Roller Coaster of the Tourette

In this post, I want to talk about the roller coaster that the Tourette is taking me in for a ride. As I mentioned in my first post that living with Tourette is like being on a rollercoaster that you can't get off. You got up on the ride, and there is no option of getting down or stopping it, and it is for the rest of your life. You have your good periods and your bad periods like I got to realize in the last year and a half. In the last year and a half, I had ups and downs. One of the downs almost destroyed me completely, but luckily I have great friends and family that helped me during this period and didn't let me stay down. They helped me during all of the tough times and are also helping during the bad period that I am experiencing now. In between these periods I also had some good times where the Tourette rarely appeared and when it appeared it was minimal and I was feeling great. Lately, all my OCD and ceremonies and tics have appeared, and this has been taking a lot of my mental strength in my effort to hide them, and most of the time I don't succeed. It happens to me especially in public place but also in the schools or the kibbutz that are my safe places and places where I know I am appreciated and loved. It takes me down and destroys me from the inside and this time is not like the last time, but still, it's tough for me and depressing. I try to not think of it, telling myself that it will pass like the last time and that it will help me become more robust and stronger but that doesn't comfort me, and I start to become numb like in the Pink Floyd song "comfortably numb" which is one of their best songs.  I don't like this feeling, and I try my best not to go there, but lately, I find myself getting sucked into this mood and this situation and even though I fight it, this doesn't help. I am not a religious person but there is something in the soul that makes me go forward to deal with the Tourette, and every time it is destroyed a little, I need a lot of time to rehabilitate it again. I try in these periods to be with friends and family and to look at my nephew's pictures and to gather strength from them to fuel my soul which will help me in dealing with these hard periods. I came to realize that my soul is getting stronger and more robust every time I get over the terrible times of the Tourette. But I hate these times, and I have a wish, that I know won't come true, that I won't have these bad times at all. I guess that everyone has his own baggage and problems, but I don't find this to be a comfort in the bad times even though I try to think of it. In my bad times, I just try to go through them and remain sane with some hope for better days. I know that my situation is better than a lot of people and I try to remember it. I try to work on my self to be more optimistic and more relaxed and hopefully one day I will become like that. I am waiting for this day to come. Like I said in the beginning: to live with the Tourette is like being on a roller coaster without an option to get down for the rest of your life. I try my best not to let my bad periods get to me and to make them as short as I can. I try to remember that every bad time just makes me stronger and more robust and that I need to remember all the good stuff that I have in my life, which is a lot. I am blessed with a fantastic family and friends that help and love me.  But a lot of times I get tired of this roller coaster and want to get off, but I know that this is a wish that will never come true and that I am stuck on the roller coaster for life. I am just waiting for the day that I will be whole with myself and will not be destroyed by the bad times.