In this post, I would like to talk about lectures and Tourette.
A few months ago, I started a process of writing a lecture and presenting it to different populations. In the first phase, we are focusing on schools in the Regional Council and afterwards we will decide where to go next. This process is done in cooperation with Lior and Neta from the Regional Council, where presently we are in the final stages of writing the lecture and presenting it to small focus groups.
I must admit that it didn’t come easy to me and it came after a lot of doubts and inner thoughts about whether this process is good for me and how the Tourette will react. This process started with the lecture that I gave at the youth centre in the Regional Council in February of last year. I remember the long indecision that I went through before I agreed to do the lecture because of the fear of how I would perform. In the end, there was an amazing reaction which warmed my soul.
I also remember my long indecision before giving a lecture at the Jumas Bar at Midreshet Ben Gurion two years ago. I was nervous and I felt butterflies in my stomach and sweat a lot, which also happened during the lecture at the Regional Council youth centre. I remember that at the end of both lectures I felt an amazing feeling of prodigy and satisfaction from the comments that I received from the audience. This feeling is what gave me the final push in deciding to set out on this process of lectures that I started a few months ago. I must admit that the fears and the concerns will never go away but I hope that in time they will be weakened and won’t take control over me.
During the writing of the lecture and the presentation, a lot of strong and intense feelings arose inside of me about my relationship with the Tourette and my struggle with it. Also while writing these lines, I still get the same feelings of vulnerability which come from the exposure of my soul to the environment. In addition, all of the mental scars that I received during the years from the Tourette and all of the low self-esteem that comes from the struggle with the Tourette won’t let go and I guess that they will never go away completely. Today these feelings are not as strong as they used to be and I feel stronger and more sure of myself and also my self-esteem is better and higher than it used to be. There are also feelings of satisfaction from the fact that I control the Tourette and the Tourette doesn’t control me. Also the feeling of being on a mission and satisfaction from the fact that I am helping to raise the awareness of Tourette and maybe that will help the society to accept people with Tourette.
I believe that these feelings and emotions of low self-esteem, self-acceptance and the mental scars will never go away and these lectures and this process will only increase it. I am getting into new territory which is new for me and I need to learn how to handle myself and the Tourette in this new situation. To get into a situation where the feelings of satisfaction and the mission will prevail over the fears and concerns.
I believe that I have within me the tools and the mental strength to prevail in this area but it will take time. I hope that the time will come soon that I can say that I succeeded in controlling this area and that my fears and concerns will be on a small fire.
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