In this post, I would like to talk about crowded places and the Tourette.
I always had a problem with crowded places. When I am in a place where there is a lot of people, and the density of the people is large, I start to feel pressure in my chest and a feeling of drowning which leads to the feeling that I don’t have control over myself. The Tourette and the panic attacks don't take long to appear.
I had a case like that in Zavta which is a group that I go to every week. We had the opening of the year's event that all the members of Zavta took part in. Also, the mayor of Beer Sheva and the Department of Welfare of Beer Sheva came to the event to greet us and wish us a happy new year. I met with a friend at the Aroma Cafe in the shopping centre before the activity, like I do every time. This time I started to feel the panic attack coming, and it became stronger by the minute, so we went outside to breathe some fresh air. I took some deep breaths and did guided imagery, and it passed. I thought that it was behind me and we went to Zavta and the activity, but it wasn’t the case. Just after everyone arrived, and the activity started, it started again. It was crowded and hot, and it didn’t take long for the panic attack and the drowning feeling to arrive and the Tourette to raise its head. I went to the side to try to settle the panic attack, but without success, on the contrary, it was getting only stronger. Friends saw me and came to help me and gave me water and sat beside me until it passed. With their help, we managed to settle the panic attack and afterwards I sat alongside and not in the crowd because I was afraid that it would happen again. It took me down that it happened.
After all the tumult had passed I felt more relaxed and calm, I sat with my friends and our guides, and from that point it was okay. In a crowded place, I find it hard to control my tics, and it made me more nervous and stressed which takes from me a lot of mental powers, so as a result of this I am exhausting myself and become more vulnerable and my defences are weaker.
Because of that, I find it very difficult to go to public places which have a large density of people and I am reluctant to go to events and shows. I know that it is not good for me, and I need to not give up on myself in that aspect like I am doing in other aspects of my life, but I feel that I am not strong now to deal with it. I always have a fear of what people will say and how the society will react when they see my tics, and even though my friends told me that I don’t need to pay attention to what strange people say it is hard for me to implement this. I want to be a strong enough mentally to be a person who is not afraid to go and can handle these kinds of situations, and also to be confident enough to do what I want without thinking of how society will react to every tic that I have. I know that now that this situation is not good for me because it prevents me from experiencing things that I know I would like because I am afraid of what the Tourette will do and how people will react.
I know that I have the mental strength to accomplish it because in a lot of aspects of my life I succeed to perform despite the obstacles that the Tourette is putting for me. I am working on myself to get stronger mentally and to be the man that doesn’t appear afraid of going to crowded places. I wish for the day to come that I can say to myself that I have accomplished this goal.
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